Team Challenge Inspiration Speech

Feel free to borrow and customize as necessary.

Be seated. Or walk, if your FitBit is nagging you.

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a team challenge by starving himself for his team. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastards eat pizza for their team.

Ladies and gentlemen, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to lose weight, wanting to maintain their weight until the New Year, is a lot of Tootsie Rolls. Americans, traditionally, love to lose weight. All real Americans love to fit comfortably in coach airline seats.

When you were kids, you all admired the champion marble shooter, the fastest runner, the big league ball players, the toughest boxers—and the Biggest Losers. Americans love a loser and will not tolerate a gainer. Americans play to lose all the time. Now, I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a man who gained 20 pounds and laughed. That’s why Americans will never succumb to the obesity epidemic. Because the very thought of obesity is hateful to Americans.

Now, a $10k challenge group is a team. It lives, eats keto, sleeps well, and exercises as a team. This “be happy in your own body” stuff is a bunch of bologna. The bilious bastards who write that stuff for the fat acceptance movement don’t know anything more about living well than they do about fornicating. And, now that I mentioned that, I don’t care to think about it anymore.

Now, we have the finest low-carb food and workout equipment, the best spirit, and the best men and women in the world.

You know, by God, I actually pity those poor bastards we’re going up against. By God, I do. We’re not just going to defeat the bastards. We’re going to cut out our pork rinds and use them to grease the axles of our treadmills! We’re going to throw out those cookies by the bushel!

Now, some of you boys and girls, I know, are wondering whether or not you’ll eat fried chicken in a layer of peanut oil over a propane fire. Don’t worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. The containers of Coca-Cola and Pepsi are the enemy! Shake those cans! Spill their bottles! Shoot them in the backyard with BB guns! When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was your best friend’s coconut cream pie, you’ll know what to do.

Now, there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to get any messages saying that we are holding our weight.

We’re not holding anything. Let the maintainers do that.

We are losing constantly and we’re not interested in holding onto anything—except the Mrs. Butterworth!

We’re going to hold onto her by the cap, and we’re gonna kick her in the base! We’re gonna kick the hell out of her all the time, and we’re gonna go through her like eggs through a Waffle House!

Now, there’s one thing that you men and women will be able to say when you get done with this, and you may thank God for it.

Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee, and he asks you, “What did you do in the great Healthy Wage $10,000 Team Challenge?”, you won’t have to say, “Well, I scarfed chocolate-covered pralines in Louisiana.”

Alright now, you sons-of-bitches. You know how I feel.

Oh, I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys and gals into team challenges anytime, anywhere.

That is all.